Concept: Narcissists have many insecurities weighing against themselves constantly. This makes happiness a difficult-to-impossible emotion to experience. When others are upset, this brings them into equality with narcissists in their emotional experience. If someone in the narcissist’s life shows signs of happiness, they will go to great lengths to quash the emotion. Also, upsetting others often helps narcissists accomplish blame-shifting (i.e., instigating a negative reaction in a victim so the narcissist can use the reaction as evidence of a victim’s psychological problems).

How this counteracts a narcissist’s insecurities: As narcissists constantly compare themselves to others, picking up on happiness in another when they cannot achieve the same activates the shame response as the narcissist feels inferior to the other. Upsetting that person will ease the self-loathing insecurities in proportion to how upset that person feels.

Examples:

1. A screaming outburst in response to a minor disagreement to create an adverse consequence for disagreeing with the narcissist’s belief.
2. Extreme punishment against a child for a minor indiscretion.
3. Accusations of cheating against an innocent spouse who came home happy from work.

Advice: It’s often difficult to understand a narcissist’s reaction. Upsetting others is considered an adverse and shameful act among those with normal levels of empathy. Although narcissists may realize this, they will go out of their way to upset others to bring others to their low happiness levels. If you see a person doing this to yourself or others, try to figure out how to disentangle yourself from the relationship, if possible.

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