Concept: Narcissists constantly compare their states to the states of others. If someone in their life has an advantage that the narcissist does not possess, this triggers a shame response as the facts promote the notion of the narcissist’s inferiority. Even when the situation would not logically dictate a competition, the need to win presses on narcissists without fail.

How this counteracts a narcissist’s insecurities: Winning a competition eases insecurities about inferiority to others. When winning brings a tangible reward, the success creates even greater ease of shame and other insecurities.

Examples:

1. A father claims that his seven-year-old son cheated when winning a board game.
2. A husband gets upset when his spouse earns a promotion, even though they work in different fields.
3. Obtaining primary custody of a child via divorce though the awarded parent engaged in neglect of the child and doesn’t plan to change that.

Advice: The need for constant comparison between a narcissist’s state and those in their life makes winning an imperative that helps defeat the narcissist’s sense of inferiority. Narcissists in people’s lives see themselves in competition with them. If you’re in a narcissistic relationship, recognize that you will be in constant competition, conflict, and turmoil until you leave it.

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