Assigning Responsibility - Dan Cassenti, Novelist

Concept: A common problem after exiting narcissistic relationships occurs when recovering victims question how they could have been so stupid/ignorant/blind to allow their respective narcissists to commit all those abuses. It’s an understandable reaction but not aligned with reality. The truth is that victims of narcissistic abuse generally hold noble and honorable qualities, like kindness, taking people at their word, believing in the goodness of people, and a serving-others orientation. It isn’t easy to bounce outside of ingrained personal styles and not assume others hold the same orientation. Assigning responsibility happens when recovering victims put all responsibility for narcissistic abuse on the narcissist, and it is necessary to move past the toxic relationship.

How this helps, and the opposite hurts: Assigning responsibility boosts self-confidence. It gives abuse victims a greater chance of finding the strength to abandon the narcissist or recovering victims a greater chance of forgiving themselves and ensuring it never happens again. When victims assign responsibility to themselves, they work against that inner strength. Done enough, former victims might seek out the narcissists again to resolve lingering internal shame and leave themselves vulnerable to manipulative Hoovering tactics.

Examples:

An adult child wakes up in his mom’s basement one morning and realizes that his missed chances came from her constant put-downs and always cautioning him against taking risks of failing. He contacts a friend and a former employer who didn’t want him to leave to see if he could move in with the friend and start working again.
“I know why I’m so jumpy. My dad used to sneak up on me and start shouting whenever he wanted to create some drama.”
“You know what? I have a great sense of humor. I got upset because when he was joking with me, he meant to hurt me. It was never funny.”

Advice: Forgive yourself for the narcissistic relationship. The narcissist targeted and manipulated you because of your tremendous virtues. Accept the truth that any abuse you suffered is 100% on the narcissist, not you. If the inner voice comes back to shame you for letting it happen, recall that it was your virtues that got you to be targeted and give the benefit of the doubt in the first place. If that doesn’t work, imagine that you’re speaking to a friend who describes to you the abuse you suffered as if it happens to them. Next, imagine you tell your friend that they have the same problem that you attribute to yourself (e.g., stupid, ignorant, blind). Hard to imagine that part? If so, it underlines that you’re much harder on yourself than you could possibly be to others. Give yourself the same love you’d give to anyone else and offer yourself the same kindness you’d provide for others.

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