Concept: When events result in negative outcomes, narcissists cringe away from admissions of involvement. When they can’t deny involvement, they deny involvement in the aspects of the events that led to the outcomes. When they can’t deny participation in the failed parts, they pin the blame on someone else who was involved or on circumstances. Non-narcissists who have made errors, suffered failure, or failed to take needed actions, will own the missteps and try to learn from them. Narcissists seek to avoid accountability and thereby have a deficit in learning from failure.

How this increases a narcissist’s insecurities: A narcissist’s inner shame diminishes due to success. Failure has the opposite effect because it is a reminder that narcissists are not as flawless as they imagine. Taking accountability means accepting failure and therefore validating their inner shame.

Examples:

1. A basketball player blames a teammate for mistakes during the game, which led to the point where the narcissist missed the game-winning shot.
2. A co-worker blames his firing on everyone else in the office but himself.
3. A father punishes his four-year-old daughter for spilling milk when he refused to help when she asked because he wanted to watch a football game.

Advice: When a person in your life constantly avoids taking accountability for negative outcomes, it’s time to question the strength of your relationship with this person. The idea that any one individual’s record of failures is never that person’s fault defies logic. We all make mistakes and can learn from them if we embrace the opportunities. Expect deception, blame, and a lack of improvement in a narcissistic relationship.

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