Concept: Generally healthy relationships include arguing from time to time. When partnered with someone in a relationship, you so often align on goals that a disagreement about how to reach that goal can reach a boiling point that leads to an argument when you both want something and think your approach is the best way to get there. Both parties argue relatively free of the anxiety that the argument will dissolve the relationship in these types of disputes. Narcissists use arguing differently. They aim to support their needs with little regard for their partner or others, such as shared children. The argument also holds an implicit or realized threat of abuse because of the lack of moral or logical reasoning acting as boundaries. They are also quick to raise their volume into shouting, screaming, or yelling to trigger stress.

How this leads to greater control over a victim: Whereas in a loving relationship, we can argue while secure in the connection that forms the basis of the relationship, an argument with a narcissist causes a lot of anxiety, which continues unabated until the abused partner capitulates to the narcissist’s demands. Thus, arguing provides immediate and future gratification as the victim tends to yield faster to the increasing anxieties that come with these repeated experiences.

Examples:

1. A nagging husband argues every time his wife plans to go out with friends until she learns to reject their offers to hang out.
2. A preacher criticizes a congregant who gave negative feedback about his sermon.
3. Knowing bank policy includes attending to every account holder’s concern, a customer engages in an endless argument with a bank employee to get the type of account he wants.

Advice: When you identify a pattern of someone close to you engaging in narcissistic arguing, refuse to engage in the argument in the future. Assert your boundary without justification or explanation and remove yourself from the situation. With no moral or logical boundaries, there is no counterpoint you can make that will reach this person, so learn to stop bothering, even when you think you have an undeniable case for your position.

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Narcissism Encyclopedia

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