Concept: Three communication styles will generally result in adverse relationship outcomes: 1) passive (does not communicate personal needs), 2) aggressive (demands others to fulfill needs), and 3) passive-aggressive (does not communicate personal needs but thwarts those who don’t read minds and serve the uncommunicated needs). In general, victims of narcissistic abuse are passive, grandiose narcissists are aggressive, and covert narcissists are passive-aggressive. The categories help make sense of a general orientation, but narcissists are usually well-versed in both aggressive and passive-aggressive communication styles. Assertiveness is the alternative approach that balances focusing on personal needs with those of others. An assertive person in communication with a passive person will prompt the passive person to gain something for their personal needs from an arrangement. In communication with an aggressive person, an assertive person will stand up for themselves and insist on personal gain, not just serving the aggressive person’s needs, and will walk away if not confident in success. With a known passive-aggressive communicator, the assertive person will insist on conditions that set boundaries to ensure serving each party’s interests.
How this helps and the opposite hurts: Assertiveness is a quick way to assure narcissists that the assertive person will not be manipulated or controlled. If narcissists realize a person is assertive, they will generally walk away and not bother, instead preferring to seek out a passive person to serve their needs. Narcissists take passivity as an invitation to abuse someone.
Examples:
Advice: Moving out of a passive communication style is never easy. You’ll have to do things you probably never learned to do as a child, like advocate for yourself or stand firm in the face of possible conflict. Still, you must. You likely aren’t reading this out of pure curiosity but have or had narcissists in your life and therefore need to unlearn a passive communication style. Also, don’t switch to aggressive or passive-aggressive to get even with any narcissist. Taking these dark paths can help you take on narcissistic traits. If you waiver and consider it, please look at a handful of these encyclopedia entries, then ask yourself, “Which would I prefer: (1) being a victim of a narcissist; (2) being a narcissist; or (3) casting out all traces of narcissism, both internally and externally?” If you aren’t answering #3, please read more about narcissism and see if you continue to hold that view.
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