Boundary Crossing - Dan Cassenti, Novelist

Concept: Boundaries are the lines that we draw on behavior in relationships. Crossing boundaries will lead to weakening or dissolving of the relationship. In a relatively healthy relationship, sharing boundaries is a positive exercise that sets limits, which would weaken a relationship if disrespected. Mutual respect for boundaries communicates mutual respect for each partner, strengthening their bond. Narcissists have an inherent disdain for boundaries, framing them as restrictions on their behavior that deny their specialness. Upon hearing of your boundaries, expect a narcissistic partner to cross them. They may not do so at the start of a relationship. Still, even at the beginning, narcissists tend to argue that your boundaries are harmful impositions that should be lifted.

How this leads to greater control over a victim: When narcissists cross your boundaries, they attempt to establish domination over you. Crossing a boundary also can act as a test. If you allow a narcissist to cross a boundary without consequences, they gain confidence in their ability to control you (and, unfortunately, that’s likely the case).

Examples:

A romantic partner argues that she should get to engage in sexual relations with her ex-boyfriend because she doesn’t receive the sexual gratification from her current partner that she got from her ex.
A friend continues to touch you in a way you had mentioned not to do.
A son repeatedly asks his mother not to criticize his wife to no avail.

Advice: If a partner argues that your stated boundary should be lifted, be assertive in retaining it. If a partner crosses a stated boundary, ensure a reciprocal adverse consequence for the relationship with the partner.

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