Concept: Boundaries are the “no’s” of relationships. Those low in narcissism almost always respect stated boundaries and are grateful on some level for their communication. On the other side of the scale, narcissists hate stated boundaries with a passion and will do what they can to eliminate them. Some tactics include complaining about them until the partner rescinds them, openly violating them and observing the response, and giving ultimatums to remove the boundaries or face the end of the relationship. They hate boundaries from partners (though they love having a long list of their own) because they deny their specialness and attempt to gain complete control of their victims, who make their independent minds and recovery processes clear by setting boundaries.

How this helps, and the opposite hurts: Setting boundaries and responding negatively when they’re attacked or defied will anger narcissists. If they can’t get rid of the boundaries, they’ll give up and discard the relationship. As much as boundaries are a narcissist’s Kryptonite, a lack of boundary setting is a magnet for them.

Examples:

1. “It’s very important to me not to have ultimatums in our relationship. Every time I got an ultimatum, the relationship was never sustainable, and I’ll have my doubts about this one, even the first time I hear one.”
2. “I won’t sit here and have you insult my children. You can talk to the wall about it; I’m out of here.”
3. “I told you before not to touch my lower back. That’s where I was injured, and it hurts. One more time, and we’re done.”

Advice: In any new relationship, state your boundaries and respect your partner’s. In addition, it’s often a good exercise to discuss forming new boundaries in collaboration with your partner to add to the ones you have already figured out. If your new partner seems to find the boundary discussion unpleasant or distasteful, have a conversation to figure out why and pay particular attention to any red flags that come up during the debate.

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