Breakups - Dan Cassenti, Novelist

Concept: A breakup is ending a relationship due to incompatibility. In relationships without at least one narcissist, it occurs due to perceived differences based on a reasoned construct. Though both parties do not always share the same viewpoint and the one who wishes to stay in the relationship can feel a great deal of upset, when the initiator does not have strong narcissistic tendencies, the upset is a side effect, not a goal. Narcissists, however, aim to cause the upset and will often continue to initiate contact with the former partner to regain domination and control with greater strength.

How this leads to greater control over a victim: Breaking a bond with someone who doesn’t wish to exit a relationship causes the hurt party to long for restoration of the bond. A narcissist wields the breakup as a weapon over the victim’s autonomy. The tactic boils down to an attempt at making a future deal where the victim sacrifices autonomy to regain the bond, thus serving the narcissist more than before the breakup.

Examples:

A pastor refuses to meet with a congregant she took under her wing due to a claimed break with God in the congregant’s heart.
A parent disowns a child for rejecting the family religion but comes back when in need of money.
A woman breaks up with her girlfriend for failing to satisfy the terms of an ultimatum, only to call back two days later and act as if nothing happened.

Advice: When anyone breaks up with you, assume that taking a relationship to the extreme of dissolution was based on incompatibility and thus had no staying power anyway. The breakup gives you free rein to find a more compatible connection. Please make it a firm rule never to go back to a broken relationship, whether you can claim your ex was a narcissist or not.

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