Concept: Narcissists often approach their victims with accusations of impropriety that they commit. Enablers hear these accusations and often search long-term memory for any time in their past when they behaved in approximation to the accusation and then admit it.

How this creates more abuse: Confessions justify the narcissist’s bad behavior and cast the enabler in the bad-guy role instead, thus justifying further abuse as punishment for the enabler’s perceived sins.

Examples:

1. “Well, I mean, when we were broken up, I did go on a couple dates, but never when—” The cheating significant other interrupts with a screaming rant against the enabler.
2. “I guess you’re right. I’m avoidantly attached, so I don’t give you the attention you deserve. You’re right to be angry.”
3. “I don’t put nearly enough effort into the job. It makes sense that you’d want to reduce my hours.”

Advice: When your partner has routinely engaged in abuse [see Techniques], take any accusations as an admission of wrongdoing on their part. They’re likely attempting to shift their bad behavior to you. Confessions won’t help you fend off accusations; they only justify more unfounded accusations. If you think the narcissist knows something accurate about your past, rest assured that they would have presented that evidence. If they haven’t revealed any, they don’t have it.

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