Concept: Narcissists only have so much capacity to love bomb. Sooner rather than later, they compete with the new people in their lives and must pull back from the narratives of the love bombing stage to create new narratives of self-superiority. This leads to the devaluing stage, where narcissists start tearing down their partners, such as calling them names, shouting at them, gaslighting, etc. (i.e., verbal and emotional abuse).
How this reinforces the trauma bond: The loving bonds that victims believe they have with narcissists during love bombing turn out to be either temporary or a mere show from the start that no longer needs to be maintained. During devaluing, the trauma bond (i.e., a bond based on traumatic abuse) forms. Trauma bonds are tough to break out of because they establish the domination of the narcissist over the victim to the point of dependency where the victim hopes for a revival of love bombing and becomes dependent on the relationship which has defined who they are as a bad person who’s undeserving of love. Such damage to a person’s sense of self makes them feel deserving of the abuse, welcoming of it, and unable to imagine a scenario where they could achieve better.
Examples:
Advice: The devaluing stage almost always confuses victims. They might ask themselves, “What happened to that sweet person who loved me?” They might make excuses or justify why the devaluing stage started and long to bring the love-bombing version of the narcissist back. If you wish for this, know that the love bombing was an effortful, energy-draining experience for the narcissist. Going back means they see the victim drifting away from them and wish to suck them back in (i.e., Hoovering), which is not where they want to be. Devaluing is what they want to do to you and they’ll return to it soon enough.
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