Devaluing

Concept: Narcissists only have so much capacity to love bomb. Sooner rather than later, they compete with the new people in their lives and must pull back from the narratives of the love bombing stage to create new narratives of self-superiority. This leads to the devaluing stage, where narcissists start tearing down their partners, such as calling them names, shouting at them, gaslighting, etc. (i.e., verbal and emotional abuse).

How this reinforces the trauma bond: The loving bonds that victims believe they have with narcissists during love bombing turn out to be either temporary or a mere show from the start that no longer needs to be maintained. During devaluing, the trauma bond (i.e., a bond based on traumatic abuse) forms. Trauma bonds are tough to break out of because they establish the domination of the narcissist over the victim to the point of dependency where the victim hopes for a revival of love bombing and becomes dependent on the relationship which has defined who they are as a bad person who’s undeserving of love. Such damage to a person’s sense of self makes them feel deserving of the abuse, welcoming of it, and unable to imagine a scenario where they could achieve better.

Examples:

  1. “This happens to me all the time! I always get stuck with jerks like you. You’re lucky that I’m as kind as I am because I stick around and deal with you on a daily basis, and no one else would ever put themselves through that.”
  2. “Look, you and I both know you’re doing a horrible job at our firm. I’m going to let you stay here a little longer, though. Maybe you have something in you that cares enough about your family having the things they need to make you want to work harder.”
  3. Enrique explains to his boyfriend that his inability to emotionally connect would be a deal breaker, but he can pay for and take a set of courses and online training or get dumped.

Advice: The devaluing stage almost always confuses victims. They might ask themselves, “What happened to that sweet person who loved me?” They might make excuses or justify why the devaluing stage started and long to bring the love-bombing version of the narcissist back. If you wish for this, know that the love bombing was an effortful, energy-draining experience for the narcissist. Going back means they see the victim drifting away from them and wish to suck them back in (i.e., Hoovering), which is not where they want to be. Devaluing is what they want to do to you and they’ll return to it soon enough.

Home | Rights Theory | Love | Toxic Personalities | Fiction | Charlton’s Ground | About Me

Narcissism Encyclopedia

Red Flags | Motivations | Fears | Techniques | Inabilities | Enabling | Defenses Against

Stages

Love Bombing | Discarding | Hoovering | Cycling