Emotional Maturity

Concept: Narcissism comes from a childhood wrought with a lack of caregiver love demonstrated by abuse, neglect, or a combination of both. Caregivers capable of abuse or neglect are likely narcissists themselves or of another type in the larger category of toxic people. They are incapable of tending to a child’s needs, including helping the child learn how to manage emotions. To make matters worse, the caregivers teach by example the worst ways to handle emotional situations. Unless there are other sources available, a child in these circumstances will grow up not knowing how to manage their emotions and will respond to the slightest negative situation with reactions out of proportion to the problem. Even small amounts of maturity (e.g., having genuine gratitude for a kind act) is usually too much for a narcissist.

How this hurts the narcissist: A lack of emotional maturity means repeated crises with reactions that are out of control and extreme. This can severely damage their chances of maintaining their self-glorifying narratives to those who witness their outbursts or hear about them from others.

Examples:

  1. A man broadcasts his family squabble all over social media one night only to wake up to see fewer connections on his platforms and a host of comments siding with the rest of his family.
  2. Enrique shames his husband into a panic attack. At his husband’s worst point, Enrique informs him that he will take legal action to ensure their children never see the husband again, given how “crazy” he is.
  3. A wife uses the voice of a whiny child when she wants something from her husband.

Advice: Please don’t see someone with low emotional maturity as a child. Though it’s true narcissists act like children on an emotional level, they have adult cognitive capacities to make logical connections (see that shows narcissists have difficult overcoming belief-based reasoning, but not other logical thought) and plan complicated manipulative schemes to gain control over their victims’ minds [see Gaslighting]. As in any other conflictual situation, you only undermine yourself to underestimate your opponents. Expect narcissists to have the cognitive tools to defeat you if you let your guard down and the lack of emotional maturity that makes them unable to consider your appeals to stay within moral or other social boundaries.

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