Concept: Honesty will trip up narcissists whenever the topic turns to themselves. They counter their extreme sensitivity to negative feedback on their behavior or traits using false narratives that alter their perception of reality. A narcissist can accurately report neutral information, but the data must have no positive or negative valence to the self. Given difficulty bounding their sense of self (i.e., they absorb events that happen around them or to the people in their lives into their sense of self), trusting the narcissist’s claims is difficult, even when the connection to their self-image is unclear.

How this hurts the narcissist: The well-known Walter Scott quote, “Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive,” applies to narcissists. Although practice at lying and creating self-serving narratives gives narcissist lies potency and more resistance to untangling, the deceitful web they spin is so vast there are numerous opportunities to realize their inherent dishonesty. This is a significant factor in the fluctuating state of a narcissist’s social network. Once we figure out someone has deceived us, trust is lost, and the chance of abandonment increases exponentially. The narcissist wastes all the work creating a source of supply when the source exits the relationship.

Examples:

1. A politician plans to incite a mob riot after losing an election, then claims that he had nothing to do with it after it happens.
2. “I’m an empath, unlike you, who can’t do emotional connection.”
3. When Mandy’s boyfriend sets up a date with a beautiful new co-worker, he tells Mandy he can’t make lunch with her because he needs to go to his friend’s father’s funeral.

Advice: Don’t focus too hard on calling out narcissists in your life on their lies. They will only lie more in response. The only two outcomes for you are more upset or getting successfully gaslit when you give them the benefit of the doubt in explaining themselves. Instead, reassure yourself of the evidence against them and vow to disbelieve them in the future.

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