Intermittent Reinforcement - Dan Cassenti, Novelist

Concept: An older (and now largely defunct) area of psychology called behaviorism focused on researching animal stimulus-response connections. One of the most notable findings was the power of intermittent reinforcement. Suppose a rat presses a bar to receive food pellets, and there is a predictable relationship between the number of bar presses and the number of food pellets. In that case, the rat will learn this relationship and extinguish the behavior when no longer hungry. However, the scientist can create an addiction to bar pressing by creating an intermittent reinforcement schedule that essentially assigns a probability to each bar press of a food pellet. Even after receiving enough food pellets to satisfy hunger, the rat will continue to press the bar and receive food pellets without abatement. Narcissists tend to use intermittent reinforcement. When they have snared a victim and establish patterns of abuse, the narcissist will sense that the victim could get close to discovery and abandonment at any moment. To ward off this outcome, the narcissist will act as they did when first in the relationship, strengthening their weakened bond. With the unpredictability of this “reward,” victims will stay in the relationship for fear of missing the next time.

How this leads to greater control over a victim: Abuse only works for so long before self-protection kicks in, and a victim will begin to fight back. The intermittent reinforcement when the narcissist senses this outcome brings the victim back under control, perhaps even stronger than before the abuse.

Examples:

After years of screaming at his wife, she avoids his presence. This causes the husband to knock on the door of her room and confess. He knows he’s been mean to her, but he has always loved her and will dedicate himself to treating her with the respect she deserves. She thinks that he means it this time and stops avoiding him.
A parent used to reward good grades but now only punishes the child when she brings home any grade below an A. When the child brings home a report card with all Bs and Cs, the parent says, “Oh well, you’re probably trying as hard as you can,” to the great relief of the child.
A bartender keeps watering down the drinks of his most reliable customer, then gives him a potent one on the house.

Advice: A person willing to abuse you rarely abandons that capability. If you feel like they’ve turned over a new leaf, write down the date of the day you believed in their redemption. The next time they abuse you, find that date and calculate how long it took them to return to abuse. Do this as often as you need to show yourself that the times of abuse are much longer than those without abuse, and you’re ready to leave the relationship.

Narcissism Encyclopedia

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