Concept: Narcissists size up people’s qualities for their propensity to fall into a subservient relationship when they want new sources of supply [see Targeting Empaths]. Desired qualities include service orientation, kindness, empathy, excess attentional capacity, and goals that the narcissist can pretend to share [see Future Faking]. After establishing the possibility of serving narcissists, they will begin love bombing, a set of actions and words that prop up the potential victim and promote commitment to a relationship. These include compliments, presents, attention, expressions of shared goals they can accomplish together, and displaying the same behaviors that the target exhibits (the latter two actions are known as mirroring). Those educated in personality disorders differ on whether narcissists sincerely put their victims on a pedestal. Either way, the narcissist deliberately tries to lure the potential victim into a relationship as quickly as possible. Love bombing drains narcissists, so they tend to minimize the time it takes to establish the relationship so they can move on to the devaluing stage, which gives them energy.

How this reinforces the trauma bond: Love bombing is the initiation of the bond. The pedestal creation will continue until the glue is dried and seemingly unbreakable. The trauma [see Devaluing] begins only after forming the bond.

Examples:

1. A man approaches an attractive woman drinking alone in a bar and turns on all his charms to lure her in when she admits she just moved to the city and hardly knows anyone there.
2. “I signed up for the free version of the dating app, and there was your profile. I didn’t even see your picture yet knew you were the one. I paid to join, and now here you are.”
3. “Some people call us a cult, but that’s not true. We’re all about love here. We just met, but I want you to join our family. I love you, and so does everyone else. You belong here.”

Advice: If someone new in your life seems to be going too fast to establish a relationship with you, mention to this person that you feel uncomfortable with the break-neck speed and wish to slow things down. Someone could put you on a pedestal after meeting you (don’t discount yourself, narcissists only love bomb those of high moral character). It’s unlikely, though, because most of us want to get to know someone before committing to a relationship. If you get pushback against your boundary or the new person pivots on promises to slow things down, then recognize the new person is not respecting you (to respect someone’s boundaries is to respect them) and move on. Waiting increases the chances that you head into an abusive relationship with more pain awaiting you when you ultimately decide to leave.

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Narcissism Encyclopedia

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