Concept: Narcissism is a disorder of self-concept as much as anything else. Usually, narcissism results from a difficult childhood in which the narcissist’s caregiver (s) did not offer love as much as abuse and/or neglect. Although there is no evidence of a genetic link to narcissism, a narcissist likely had one or two narcissistic parents/caregivers, as the lack of empathy had a corresponding lack of learning how to empathize with others as children. Empathy requires the understanding that another is different than you. Although narcissists know this on a factual basis, they crave relationships with those who focus on the narcissist’s needs over their own needs. To narcissists, there are blurred lines between themselves and others because they can’t get past their own needs and see that others have them. As a result, someone who values independence and pursues goals apart from the narcissist’s needs confuses and annoys narcissists. Control of people to the point where they only serve the narcissist’s needs (i.e., possession) is ideal for narcissists.

How this counteracts a narcissist’s insecurities: Possession of others gives the narcissist a means of need fulfillment without expending their energy or effort. Such relationships provide the narcissist both need fulfillment and a devoted follower who serves without question or need for reciprocation.

Examples:

1. A romantic partner uses verbal abuse to shame her significant other about being selfish to create an association of adverse consequences for self-care.
2. A politician who lost an election encourages his followers to stage a coup so the politician can remain in power.
3. A preacher claims that the congregation ought to become “tools of God” and align with the preacher’s vision of God’s directions.

Advice: Possession creates victims who do the narcissist’s bidding and increasingly disregard their own needs. Be careful of getting too close to a narcissist. You may end up discarding your life’s ambitions in service to someone who cannot reciprocate a small fraction of the love you offer. The mythical creature most associated with a narcissist is a vampire. Not only do vampires only serve their own needs, have no reflection in the mirror, or have moral limits, but they also suck the life out of others, traits shared by narcissists.

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