Secret Digging - Dan Cassenti, Novelist

Concept: In the early stages of a narcissistic relationship, [see Love Bombing] narcissists tend to accelerate the need to share beyond the appropriateness of the connection. They will exchange your truths for their distortions and untruths as a deliberate act to gather information about you. The information is a precious commodity to the narcissist with the tiniest details committed to memory. Narcissists often insist on honesty and the need to divulge as many secrets as possible and justify this position as the only way to build a trustworthy partnership.

How this leads to greater control over a victim: When the time comes to start abusing victims, the secrets are used as a means of shaming and gaslighting victims. To dispel the accusations, victims often behave more in line with how narcissists wish them to act (i.e., in service to the narcissist’s needs).

Examples:

“You told me about your childhood. You sounded pretty sneaky then, and you never lost that quality. I want to know the truth, and I want to know it now.”
“I shared some pretty hard things about myself, and now it’s your turn.”
A woman lies about her greatest fear to her new acquaintance, prompting him to share his fear of embarrassment in front of a crowd. She later goes out of her way to try to realize that fear when she convinces herself that he betrayed her and tells everyone at a party about his confession to her.

Advice: People low in narcissism respect others’ privacy and would only grill you to gain information to ward off dire consequences. If someone pressures you to reveal secrets and share personal information, find a way to exit the situation without sharing, then regroup and analyze why this may have happened at your earliest convenience (by yourself or with a trusted confidant).

Narcissism Encyclopedia

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