Walking on Eggshells - Dan Cassenti, Novelist

Concept: With all the sensitivities that narcissists have, others have little chance to predict what words will trigger an abusive outburst. To prevent this, enablers often restrict what they say to narcissists and continuously expand the set of forbidden words, phrases, and categories of information based on what recently triggered outbursts. It gets worse, though. Narcissists pick on their sources’ words because they are the low-hanging fruit in achieving their objective of upsetting the people in their lives. When victims catch on and restrict what they say, narcissists turn next to non-verbal communication. A flinch can tell narcissists that they’re invoking fear and will press further on their threatening behaviors. An eye roll out of annoyance is justification for a shaming rant. As a result, enablers learn to control their body language too. Yet, this doesn’t work either because, in the absence of explicit non-verbal cues, narcissists will invent them and gaslight the victims into thinking they gave them. After all, our memory isn’t designed to remember every involuntary expression we make.

How this creates more abuse: When enablers walk on eggshells, narcissists note the mind control they exert over them through the threat of outbursts. This lets narcissists know that their enablers are upset about the outbursts and thus use the tools more frequently.

Examples:

A neighbor apologizes for giving mowing advice when accusations of being a know-it-all start.
Cindy sat still in class and never spoke, rather than having the male professor make fun of her again.
George took forever to answer the most straightforward questions from his supervisor to choose his words carefully and avoid upsetting her.

Advice: Simply not walking on eggshells with a narcissist will not always have beneficial results. The narcissist is still liable to outbursts to what you say, don’t say, non-verbally communicate, or don’t communicate; those are always unpleasant, if not dangerous. The best thing to do is to cut them off from communications [see No Contact] if you find yourself in a pattern of walking on eggshells. They may accuse you of being secretive and sneaky but ignore these accusations. They are looking to bait you into engaging because making you upset is a goal that narcissists will attempt to accomplish with real or fake evidence. Walking on eggshells is a game that you can’t win.

Narcissism Encyclopedia

Enabling